a love letter to Trust

Dear Trust,

Deja-vu…I have the feeling I have written to you already, Trust; and written around you, too.  I have searched for you everywhere - in books, faces, workshops, the sky - without knowing it was you I was looking for.

The Tao – Trust the Way

Coaching – Trust the Process

Somatics – Trust the Body

Rationalism – Trust the Mind

Authorities – Trust us, we know best

I have longed to trust that I am enough; trust that I am of service; trust that I am good.

And so:

2024 is about TRUST

  And it starts with myself.

Me trusting me.

   Me trusting my intuition.

 Me trusting my body’s cues: butterflies in my stomach, knot in my throat, tightening in my sternum, leaping of my heart, delight in all of my senses, peace in my sould.

I trust the long sigh I just let out:  Relaxation.  Ease.  Letting go.  Safety.  Parasympathetic recovery.  Like a horse, like my dogs.  I am trusting my animal body.  Now I am looser, more open, ready to move and to be receptive.

 I trust myself to set limits, clear and kind, to keep me safe.  The healthy kind.  Not those years of saying ‘yes’ and meaning ‘no.’  Not the outward ‘Oh, sure,’ thru gritted teeth I thought no one else could see.  Not the insides mired in resentment and guilt.  Not the complying while dragging my feet.

 I trust myself with willingness, patience, honesty, connection.

 I trust my whole self, my gut and my heart.  I trust that when the moment is here I will act.

 I trust that doing nothing – Wu Wei, The Pooh Way – is part of the balance. As Sandra Cisnero’s father says:  “Take you time, mija/Take you time.”

 I trust that it is not my job to fix anyone.  I trust that it is enough to be with them and to hold both of us in light.

 I trust myself to give without growing smaller, but instead expanding outward, enormous in my connection.

 I trust that while the flutter of my wings does contribute to the plan of the universe, the universe is infinitely full of fluttering wings.

 I trust myself to free my words, my tongue, my voice: I trust that when I speak, I am safe. I trust that connecting is enough, no answers required.

 I trust myself to start from a place of love and of emotional congruency, where my outside matches my inside.

You start on the inside, Trust, always inside. And only then can you radiate outward and stay true. My ultimate resource is my whole self.

 I trust that I will not betray myself, ever.  And since absolutes are always problematic:  if I do betray myself, I trust that I will notice, acknowledge, forgive myself, and make a new choice.

 I trust myself as friend, mom, leader, writer, seeker.

 And I trust myself as partner: willing, collaborative, fallible, learning to lead, follow, and move with it all. I trust myself to embrace that subtle flourish at the end of a dance where I lean into my partner, let go, and allow myself to be held.

 I trust that while I am not able to predict the future, I will not cover my eyes, nor bind my arms, nor imprison my heart.  I trust myself to walk in uncertainty with openness and curiosity.  I trust my center and my world to hold me, not without discomfort, but with everything I need to accompany me on my journey.

 I trust myself in the dark and in the light.

 And so, 2024 is my year of TRUSTING MYSELF:

   I trust myself

   I trust myself

   I trust myself

 Love,

Me

P.S. - A month after writing to you, Trust, I smiled when I found a tiny slip of paper proclaiming 2022: My Year of Trust. Hence the deja-vu?  Two years ago, though, Trust, you were not flanked by ‘I’ and “myself.”

 P.P.S. – While searching my computer files for what I had written about you, Trust, I came across this reflection on trusting our intuition from Maria Popova of The Marginalian:

“It starts with a tremble in the stomach, a palpitation in the chest. You may call it intuition, premonition, foreboding. You may press it down with the firm fist of rationalism. And yet it persists, this flutter of feeling — this haunting sense that the future is not about to happen to you, but is already happening in you.”

 P.P.P.S. – My file search for you, Trust, also came up with this result: 

Layer It. Stuff It. Sleep On It. Love It.

Curious, I opened the associated email.  Turns out it was for a puffy down jacket that you could trust to keep you warm in all weather.  I like this: I will layer you, Trust, stuff you deeply inside me, sleep on you, love you.